Uneasy Reads

In January, I read two books that I thoroughly enjoyed and yet I know I will never pick them up again – they were, Smoke Gets in Your Eyes and Our Endless Numbered Days. This is not a “two books, both alike in dignity” situation, in fact I don’t think the books could be more different from each other, but I’ve grouped them for review because of one over-arching thing, both of them made me feel uneasy. I am not one to watch horror films, or even thrillers, but I imagine the feeling is the same as when the music is building and you are screaming at the main character to turn on the light!

Anyways – lets get to it.

Our Endless Numbered Days – Claire Fuller

This book I received as a gift, it had been on my wish list for a long time, it actually was prizewinner in 2015, so it’s nearly ten years old but, was just one I hadn’t got to read yet. I had no expectation going into this book, I’d not looked out any reviews in advance and I started it on a random weekday night, which was my downfall because, I read the whole book in one sitting. I stayed up far too late reading, and then I stayed awake the rest of the night thinking about what I had just read.

It’s hard to write about this book without giving major spoilers, which I don’t want to do, despite it’s age but I will share that the notes I made immediately after were – unsettling, horrifying, an absolute rollercoaster of emotions and a haunting ending.

The story follows eight year old Peggy, starting in her fairly normal life in the summer of 1976, camping in the garden with her father. His survivalist tendencies eventually lead him and Peggy to a remote cabin in the forests of northern Europe and we see how their days pan out from there. Two of the most horrifying moments for me are when he tells Peggy that the rest of the world is gone, and when she happens across her passport being burnt.

The writing is fantastic, Claire has done a great of world building, of keeping the reader hooked in this environment that is both beautiful and potentially deadly. Her writing of Peggy’s father really conveys the thin line between charming and chilling, he is someone both protecting her from fear and someone to be feared.

One of the quotes that stuck with me is – “My father was fond of saying ‘If you own too many possessions sooner or later they start owning you.” – this resonated with me because I’m trying to simplify my life this year, declutter on a major scale, and generally have more gratitude for what I own. Resonating so much with this quote – and thinking to myself, you know, I could go for a bit of life in a cabin in the woods – is what made the ending of this book just so much more horrifying to me.

As I mentioned, I will not be keeping this book, but I am interested to see if in a few years it’s one I’ll revisit and I would be interested to see what comes across differently, knowing some of the outcomes.

Reading Our Endless Numbered Days brought to mind the concept of unreliable narrators, which got me thinking of other books I’ve read that same kind of vibe – one that came to me was Kiss Me Like You Mean It by JR Rogue – it’s been a while since I read it but I think I’ll add it to the list for the next couple of months, from what I can recall the narrator is particularly unreliable in that one!

I would definitely recommend this book, I wish we had the opportunity to study books like this when I was in school. It’s not a ‘lighthearted’ read, but it is definitely worth the investment.

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes – Caitlin Doughty

This book is part memoir, part guidebook for navigating that topic that we’re all affected by, but don’t like to talk about – dying. Obsessed with death from a young age, this is the story of Caitlin’s first job at Westwood crematorium in California and is a combination of dark humour, witty observation and thoughtful reflection what happens at the end of our lives.

This had been on my to-read list for a while, after downloading a Kindle sample a number of years ago and I think it may be the most unusual opening line I have ever read – “A girl always remembers the first corpse she shaves.” It’s also the first book I have read that’s come with a warning that you may not want to read it, an unusual move from a writer, but one that endeared Caitlin to me from the get go, you feel she cares as much about her readers as she does the people she is seeing off from this earth.

There are, of course sad stories within, the chapter touching on death of young children is heartbreaking but it is tackled with a gentleness that the subject so deserves. The humourous stories feel like the type you would share with a friend, and at no point to you feel Caitlin is mocking those that she serves. Overall the book tackles a difficult subject with grace, it’s clear that the author cares deeply about this subject and she is above all else compassionate and caring in her writing.

Reading this definitely made me consider what my preference for the end of my own life will be, and like many people I assume – it’s not a subject I particularly enjoy thinking about. Reading the statistics around how much energy it takes to cremate a body has pretty much confirmed to me that it’s not my preference, what I’ll do instead is yet to be decided.

At the end of the day, death is the great leveler, and I would encourage everyone to give this a read, even if it’s not your usual genre.

I don’t feel I will reach for this book again and I have donated it, but I’ll keep the sample on my kindle just in case – I’m definitely interested in reading more from Caitlin, you can check her website out here if her work appeals. I’d also recommend This Is Going To Hurt by Adam Kay for the same kind of dark humour around a deep subject.

What are your thoughts on reading that makes you feel uneasy? Does it appeal? Prior to these it’s been a long time since I read something that got to me so deeply – if I recall, it was likely The Infinite Sea by Rick Yancey, I can’t even recall the story now but the feeling has stayed with me all these years. The feeling did resurface in the opening scenes to the Black Widow movie, the combination of scenes that are pretty horrific with the haunting voice of Malia J had the hairs on the back of my neck standing up – check out the track here if you want to see what I mean.

If you made it this far, thank you – let me know your thoughts!

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